Mommy Guilt

For the past six years, 2 months, and 4 days I have suffered from a chronic disease.  It plagues thousands of women every day and causes severe anxiety, depression, crying fits, sleepless nights, and exhaustion.  It's mommy-guilt, a serious problem that starts the moment your first child is born and, apparently, never ends when you are a working mom.

Before becoming a mom, I was a devoted 2nd year teacher.  I spent hours and hours at work and I loved every second of it.  But that changed as soon as Liam was born.  He became the center of my universe.  And for 18 weeks, I gave up my day job for diapers and nursing and long sleepless nights followed by naps at 8 and 11.  And I loved it, and hated it, all at the same time.  I felt like I didn't have any idea what to do with this little person and I was MUCH better at handling sixth graders with an attitude than a screaming infant who seemed to want to literally suck the life out of me.  I remember actually spending a week at my mom's house.  I needed to be around other people, people who had done this before, because I didn't want to screw up this perfect little being.  This was where the guilt started.  Guilt that I wasn't doing "it" right.  Guilt that I actually HAD the thought, " I am way better at working than I am at being a mom."  Guilt that I slept when he slept instead of cleaning up my house or making a nice dinner for my husband who was working and going to school at the time.  Guilt, guilt, guilt. 

But we adjusted eventually, just in time for mommy to have to head back to work.  Then I began to feel guilty about EVERYTHING.  There was work guilt, "I can't give the job all that I used to."  There was baby guilt, "I am going to miss everything! He's not going to know who I am."  Self-image guilt, "How do I find the time and energy to get my body back."  Spouse guilt, "I'm so tired.  I just want to tune everything out at the end of the day.  But I should be connecting with my husband."  Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Then our second child came along and the guilt worsened.  I really knew how to do this mommy thing now so I felt more confident and I had a balance.  I also took an extended maternity leave and I had no desire to go back to work.  But like so many others, I had to.  There was no way, with a house, a car payment, and several outrageous credit card payments, that I was going to be able to stay home indefinitely. 

So all that I could hope for was to make the best of the time that I had with them.  It isn't like I work in corporate America with crazy 60 hour weeks to put in.  I am a teacher.  I am home by 3:30, I have weekends off, every holiday (even the made up ones like Columbus Day), and a crazy amount of vacation time!  My children are always off on an adventure with us.  My mother points out all the time that we "always keep the kids so busy doing stuff."  Plus, my kids have developed relationships with some really amazing people, relationships that they wouldn't be as strong as they are if I was home with them every day.  My parents, my aunt, my sister and my cousin treat my children as if they are their own.  And the adoring realtionship goes both ways.  Those things help to ease the guilt, but it is always hovering just below the surface.

As my children have gotten older and have begun school and have activities that they are involved in, the guilt has eased up because they are just as busy as I am.  And they aren't always that interested in being around just mommy and daddy anymore.  It has made working more bearable.  Not there aren't still days when I wish that there wasn't a mad rush to get out the door in the morning, or when I wish I didn't see the worst of my children every day because they are so exhausted by dinner time.  When I wish that my yelling voice was not the only voice that they heard from me.  My guilt hits me now when I take time for myself, when I don't spend every second playing with them, when I count down the minutes until bedtime for some peace and quiet, when one or the other of them drives me so crazy that I actually find myself standing in the line at Barnes and Noble (on a brief, run in by myself moment that occured recently) noticing how quiet and peaceful it is there and wishing for the days when my husband and I would sit for hours sipping lattes and reading magazines and travel guides fantasizing about the places we would travel to.  And then it's there again..the guilt.  Guilt that I would even ever have such a thought because what good mother thinks that?!

Maybe the guilt will never be gone.  Although it has lessened, I have found another emotion rearing its ugly head, jealousy.  I find myself constantly annoyed with comments from stay-at-home moms, a direct result of my jealousy, I am sure.  There is an ongoing battle that rages in our society, working mom vs. stay-at-home mom. Working moms feel the need to glorify their ability to juggle it all, stay-at-home moms feel the need to point out how complete their lives are because they are with their children all of the time.  The truth is, neither side is better or worse than the other.  Each has its own pluses and minuses.  Each has its own "dirty" hidden secrets.  And yet, I am in a constant battle with myself about which is better and whether or not I am a bad mom because I work. 

So this is why I have started this blog.  I want a place to express and defend myself.  A theraputic outlet for all of this guilt and jealousy, and a place to connect with other mom's and let them know that they are not alone in their crazy thoughts :)  We spend so much time trying to prove ourselves to each other that it gets quite exhausting.  I'm too tired to prove myself, I'm ready to just BE.